1. Why is it that after all the shit you’ve put me through and after I’ve learned that what you’ve told me before were all lies, I still fucking miss you?!? x_x

  2. It was July 12, 10:36 PM, when he picked me up from home.

    Destination: Chili’s.

    Had a light dinner. We were having fun chit-chatting when he leaned close to my left ear and softly said, “Happy birthday.”  

    Then he gave me a kiss on the head. I looked at my watch, it read 12:14 AM.

    "Thank you," I said with a smile.

    That was the first time that we were together on my birthday. And that was my wish: be together on each other’s birthdays. Finally, it was granted. We continued talking, laughing, teasing each other. He has such wonderful humor.

    We took a taxi halfway home; then walked the remaining distance. He often walked me home back then; those were the good old happy days of my life—days I will never forget. As we reached my place, he gave me a tight hug. I hugged him back as I extended my gratefulness for his presence. He kissed my forehead and asked me if I was happy.

    "Yes," I replied. 

    "I’m sorry, I don’t have a present," he added.

    "That’s fine," I replied in a consoling-like manner. 

    Deep in my thoughts, I wanted to say, “Your presence is more than enough.”

    But my tongue must’ve lost the words. He kissed me goodnight. And I headed inside with a wide smile on my face. Yet, deep inside, I know I was hurting. Because I know this would only last for a day thinking that when tomorrow would come, it would be all back to normal

    It was nearly 1:00 AM when I went to bed. I had to wake up at 6:30 AM for work. I woke up with a heavy head; wanting to sleep; never wanting to wake up anymore. I forced myself to go to work. The day was not good for me. So I kept on looking forward to 5:30 PM. We had other plans: dinner and the movies with two of our close common friends. 

    5:30 PM did come but I could hardly feel the excitement of seeing him again, unsure if he will come. We met at the restaurant past 6. As I saw him, he looked unexcited; bored; uninterested. I know he just felt the need to go as he was just forced by our friend. So he came along but his heart was not along with it. As the dinner went on, all four of us were talking, sharing random stories. He was mostly smiling; so was I. I took advantage of the opportunity to smile, simply because he was there—my reason. We seemed to have fun while eating. Though I wasn’t sure if his smiles were real. He’s good at pretending. Too good.

    We headed to the movies after dinner. He expressed his lack of interest for that plan. I felt it as well, yet I had to act like everything was fine. Perhaps he might have noticed how I started staring blankly into nothingness again. I am usually like that when I’m upset or simply not myself. He held my hand; he made me feel his presence and made me feel “special” again for that moment. I had missed that feeling so much—like I was enough. But as reality speaks, I was never enough. Not to him. Not to anyone. 

    Our companions chose to watch Harry Potter 7.2 that night. We held hands as we watched the movie. I had a feeling… I thought that would be the first and last birthday I would ever get to spend with him. I often hate it when my instincts would usually send me those kinds of hints. I hate it more when I am right—my instincts are usually always right. 

    Unfortunately, the night had to end. We kissed goodbye and parted ways. The following day was another endeavor for me. And I was right—everything was back to normal. I was ignored again—the usual. No message. No IM. No call. I was nobody to him again. I was forgotten again in just a snap. 

    Despite that, I was thankful. My wish was granted: I felt special even only for a day. And the price I had to pay for that day was this—the pain, feeling alone all over again, empty and miserable, going back to zero, starting to get up from scratch. But I don’t regret anything. If I would be given a chance to do it all again, I would—even if I would have to pay the price thrice as much, feel the pain thrice as much… just to be with him again, even for a day.

    We were together when that day started and ended. So thank you July 13, 2011. You were the best birthday I’ve ever had in my 24 years of existence in this world.

    Meanwhile, back to the life of the living dead.

  3. Firsts:

    His first celebration ever
    My first effort ever
    Our first time to be together on this special day

    My only aim is to make you feel that as long as I am alive, you will never feel alone. You will always have me no matter what. I will always be here for you. And as long as I am here, I will always do my best to cheer you up even in the littlest ways I know possible. 

    The world may turn its back on you, but I assure you that you will always have me. 

  4. I remember how we used to spend the whole day together. And when we would both get to our respective homes, you’d still ask me to go online. We’d go “video chatting” (web cams turned on, but audio and mic on mute and we’d just keep on typing) and talk about anything. Every time I think of it, it never fails to make me smile. Yet it makes me sad as well because it makes me realize how much you’ve changed. Nowadays, we barely see each other. And I just feel like I’m such a nuisance to you. You never reply to any of my text messages anymore. You rarely answer my calls. You don’t answer any of my chat messages, even though you’re online. You don’t even leave me any offline messages anymore. And it breaks me. All of it. It comes to the point that I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore. It’s like you’ve turned into a totally different person; it’s as if the guy I knew was long gone. And I don’t know why this thing inside me keeps telling me to be patient. This thing called “hope” still runs in me—still wishing and waiting for your return.

    Though I know that you will never be the same again, here I am… still praying, hoping, longing for your return.

  5. Right now I just wanna cry! I hate this feeling! T_T

  6. It seems that you don’t miss me anymore. And it breaks my heart. It cuts deep. </3

  7. Lord, please help me make it through the day with this pain… and the day after… and the day after… and the day after… until I feel it no more.


  8. Saw a photo of my (college) Literature teacher in her wedding gown. She looked so stunning, so elegant—a very lovely bride, indeed. I was smiling as I admired her photographs, yet it reminded me (again) of a photo just like this and tears were suddenly streaking down my face.

    And I felt so pathetic; I was dying all over again.

  9. Why did we have to meet if there was no purpose?

  10. never fails me. I’ve always been miserable in this life. They say that happiness is a choice, but that is not always true. I have always searched and tried for ways to make myself happy, to cheer myself up, but I don’t always succeed. Somehow, no matter how hard I try, something is always missing. There’s this huge hollow space in my chest that I’m trying to fill, yet I keep on failing. Yeah, I’m such a loser in almost all aspects of life and I accept that.

    Life is beautiful; the world is beautiful… but the people who live in it are cruel. 

Melani Sub Rosa © by Rafael Martin