Happy Friday the 29th to my baby who died 368 days ago.
I love you so much. You gave life to my world, yet you took it all away when you left. I miss having you in my life. And knowing I’ll never have you again keeps on breaking me. If only I could turn back time… you know I would.
I miss you.. & I miss you because I love you! :’(
I just wanna die. Make it quick please! So that I wouldn’t keep on dying everyday.
I just want a quick sudden death!
He sat beside her and that was rare. She just smiled but deep inside she was longing for him; she missed him too much. He reached for her hand and kissed her lips. It all seemed so real. His mere presence had always made her feel contented and secured.
She keeps on falling for a dream—one that will never come true.
It hurts to know that the person you love and know so much about doesn’t even know the simplest things about you, like your middle name for instance. Yes, it may be just a little thing—a simple one, that is—but no matter how simple the issue is, it still hurts like hell.
Sure, I didn’t make a big fuzz about it. I acted like it was no big deal but it’s still eating me up inside. Never thought a little thing could hurt as much. Maybe it’s because this implies how little his interest for me really is. </3
There are so many things I wanna tell you about—how I felt for you from the start; how I felt from the very moment that I found out; the anger, rage, and hatred; betrayal, lies, and need for revenge; the times that I was about to give up; all the pain that murdered my soul—but most of all, I wanna tell you how much I love you… that after all the shit you’ve put me through, I’m still here, waiting. ‘Coz though I’m continuously living in pain, this fucking word called ‘hope’ still exists in me. I often wished this hope would die, but unfortunately, it just wouldn’t!
And this aching heart patiently waits… for nothing.
He threw hurtful jokes—saying he wanted to go out with his ex. The joking seemed to have made him feel better, so I had to go along with it. After what he’d been through lately, I felt the need to make him feel better; I had to give him this. So I pretended to play cool while trying to take a full grip of myself, holding back the tears from bursting. My heart felt so heavy, as if it was slowly falling off my chest. He seemed to feel better, so I had to keep playing cool—my pain for his relief. As the conversation went further, his words just crushed my heart harder. Harder. Harder.
My mind was clouded by the thought that, maybe, he never really loved me after all the times we’ve spent and after everything that I’ve been through. Maybe it was all just a game to him—a game that he seemed interested to play whenever he wanted to. That thought consumed me too much. The pain suddenly rushed in again…consuming every little piece of me.
I felt trapped. It was not the kind of feeling anyone would want. It was odd; so unexplainable. And yet there he was, reaching out to me… like he wanted to speak but could not utter a word.
It was as if I had drowned in my sleep—heavily—never waking up.
I’m burning with rage but I’ve always got it under control. ‘Coz if I hadn’t, you’d be long dead. ^_^
At this time, 2:25 pm, we have already boarded the aircraft. Yes, we were finally and officially heading home for our planned and most awaited vacation. I was so happy to be with him and the fact that we were going home—just us, together—excited me too much, though I’m sure he had not noticed since I had always kept my composure around him. I don’t do well with aircrafts but he took care of me for the entire flight (which took 9-10 hours, by the way). I love him for doing that. So kind, humble, sweet and caring; I just love him for everything that he is.
That was the start of our trip—the trip that I did not know was going to be the start of our end. I was not aware that those were the only few days of happiness we would have left. If only I had known, I would have made the most out of it; every single minute of it. But I didn’t and it just sucks. It sucks not knowing what was headed my way. I trusted him too much not knowing how it would tear me apart.
I was stupid to have actually believed that maybe… finally… someone believed in me—that I was enough. I actually thought that I was so lucky; I was so thankful that, finally, he came into my life. It was when I felt the sense of contentment, for the first time ever, because for me he was enough.
But he proved me wrong. Instead, he made me feel like I was a piece of junk; worthless; a total waste of time. It breaks me having to get this out in writing, but I feel the need to do so. What sucks even more is that I didn’t even do anything wrong to deserve all of this.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I don’t deserve to be valued. For this punishment, it’s like I’ve committed the worst crime there is in history. Yet whatever that crime may be, I don’t even know what it was/is. Perhaps it’s my mere existence. Perhaps that’s my crime. So, maybe I am worthless. Because if I wasn’t, he wouldn’t have done such thing to me—no humane person could ever have.